Vulnerability.

Whew. This might be a long one. I have a lot to say. I’m jealous. Of friendships that people have that are true and real and dependable. Those friendships that are middle of the night phone calls. No judgement friendships. Full support but complete honesty. I’ll admit, I don’t do well in the friend department. I don’t get along the best with females, probably because of past relationships and whatnot. Sure I should let that go. But unfortunately I can not. I get jealous when females have longer conversations with my husband than I’d like. And yet if I carry a conversation with a male I don’t think of how he feels. Which is absolutely not fair. In my defense I work with an all male population and some of my best friends are males. Actually both of my best friends are males. I don’t think he minds entirely, because he understands my field of work but he doesn’t care for it majority of the days I converse with people. Back to my main point… I would LOVE to have a female best friend. One I could call and hang out with over the weekend. Bake, spend time with, plan days or weekends away, have our kids hang out, all that hallmark stuff. I just don’t see that happening in my life and it sucks. I’m lonely. Sure I have a husband and kids but their company only goes so far. Sometimes I’d love to tell my friends things I can’t tell my husband or kids. Things I’d rather not be judged by my family for. It’s terrible but honest. Which is what I’m lacking in my life. I’m in my 30s and have never had a female friend to depend on. Never had one that doesn’t leave or sleep with my husband. Wow.. that hurts. 😬 Being in a church I’m supposed to build those relationships. I surely thought “yes! Here you go! You can find your friend here” All these years later, negative. I’m still stuck and lonely. I sit alone, I grieve alone, I praise alone, and I worship alone. It’s super unfortunate because I’m surrounded by such amazing people and yet I can’t find my person. Heartbreaking. So what do I do? Continue life with just my husband and kids and two male best friends? Keep trying? Keep waiting? Well, I’ll keep waiting but it’s exhausting and I’m breaking. Quickly. I’ve needed someone to confide in like two years ago lol. Sometimes it sucks. Men don’t relate. Husbands don’t understand. Kids can’t carry the weight. To say I’m tired is an understatement. Which is why I’m here. To dump, because I’m tired of dumping on you Bub. You know who you are. I dump on you daily and then apologize. You always say it’s fine but it’s not. I’m going to get better. I promise. Today, I’m starting to become better. Right now. ❤️